I just cant understand why anyone would care enough for their child to care about where they go after they die. I cant understand why anyone would force you to live. I cant understand why people care. I simply cant understand why anyone should live or die for a person. 

And i hate arguing for the sentiment that altruistic love exist, when i damn well know there isnt such a thing. 

It’s your voice. 

It’s your hair.

It’s the way you twiddle your thumb..

The way you examine your nails

The way you talk

Walk. 

It’s Annoyance.

It’s Irritation

It’s the pesky little critique inside.

The voice with snappy comments

The desire to destroy.

Kill. 

it’s not being able to stand it anymore

and yet wanting to stand, alone. 

It’s being disturbed by the people on the other side

Yet basking in lonely solidarity. 

It’s having the whole world scrutinize you

and yet you’re blindfolded. 

All These. Is annoyance. 

Maybe it is a sudden occurrence, or maybe it just surfaced today. but i feel lonely. i really do. social interaction seems incredibly tiring and draining, with little or no lasting benefits. i question the idea of investing so much effort and time into normal day to day relationships. It seems incredibly selfish to aim to be another person’s most important person, and yet if you cant hold a significant position, why bother vying for attention and time? Somehow along the way, the “important but comparatively insignificant” relationships we have are termed as friendship. It may bring about a few shallow smiles, but i really don’t see a point. it lacks depth. this begs the question. whatever am i expecting in a relationship? the answer is: i dont really know. i cant define or outline what i want, but i know i dont feel like spending extra time to explain myself, to ascertain my opinion outside a debate, or even justify what i believe in. I’d rather be misunderstood than to be actively rectifying people’s “wronged” impression of me by clarifying my character. At least when i am misunderstood, it is because i choose to be misunderstood. What i am finding isnt love either. it’s not that i dont believe in love, i just cant see how it applies to me. i truly believe i am incapable of love, unless it is a form of reciprocating someone’s genuine love for me. like loving my mom. yet a nagging voice at the back of my head insists on it being purely gratitude. if that were really the case, i am incapable of love. 

maybe there’s that, or maybe i just impose too high a burden of what love should be.  it’s not just the temporary fuzziness you feel, neither is it just the ability to make big sacrifices. it’s more. it’s about elimination loneliness, about actually understanding. Given the personalities of the people i encounter everyday, there would be an inherent tension whenever shallow talk and interaction occasionally breaches into the actual depths of secrets. some people would not know how to react. actually, they all wont. the first thing in mind would not be “oh wow i am so sorry” or “oh” it would be “what should I say” or “how should i react”. everyone inevitably tries to cover their own asses first. it’s human nature. and nobody, i say this with resolve, nobody can help solve any of my problems. contrary to popular belief, talking it out doesnt always help, or solve anything. it just results in one more person knowing my mental and psychological handicap. why gift wrap that trump card for them? i dont know. people just do stupid things like these. and sometimes i slip up, and i do it too. i dont trust anyone. i just hide it better than most people. 

Hi everybody, ( in this case no one, because i am awesome like that )

i have been MIA-ing ALOT. I KNOW. i dont even know where to start recounting my missing whereabouts. IT IS JUST SO LONG AGO. sigh. Chinese Os is surprisingly managable, SO I HOPE I GET AN A ( yeah bitches. ) and i apparently had this resolve to swim everyday, yeah…. i didnt. 

ANYWAYS i made a few friends this hols. Namely the DDI people and Gabriel (a really tall sec two guy from hwach with an even bigger ego. but i like him *as a friend* cos he is cool-ish :D )

I just went to VS to lug a bag full of books from Aish, and i met HWYYYYY ( “daddy” ) and i chanced upon the VS GOSSIP CLUB. apparently they sit in the office and gossip trololo this is damn awesome. HWY rocks at gossiping. his face is always funny trololo. Oh, i was walking in then aish suddenly said ” now turn 180 degrees and you can see HWY” so i turned and i saw HWY and hwy rushed towards me dramatically and said “I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD”. 

omg, vs guys. drama. haha aish and hwy are wayyy cool and nice. might be the nicest people i ever know. 

anyways i just came back and found out my brother’s score is 214. WTF D: sighhhh. now i have to prep for open house ( tmr actually ) and get back my ipad from nabila. Just submitted IPPF yesterday kinda felt bad i skipped the last editing part but i was taking care of my mom….. 

going through case setup with juniors now. battery is running low. and hopefully i can START on homework today.

oh, and buy the legend of the sun knight second gen book.

toodles. :D

You are the reason why I am in a mess. You have no idea how I long for a hug, touch of affection or some semblance of recognition. But well thanks for walking out on me. Thanks for dropping of the face of my world. Because of you, I retreated back deeper into my soul than ever, trying to fill the missing part of my identity, a part where you should have been. I hate you, I really do. But my heart aches at the thought of not having you here next to me. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes, and the mutual feelings of hate and heartache hasn’t subsided. It has been exactly 5 years since I last saw you. Almost 4 years since you last called.

Thanks alot.

She’s always like that
Yeah that’s her
I like how she pretends

Muttered the looming voices

The tendrils of deception
Allude condemnation
Amongst the facade of emotions

And seem to penetrate my straw man

Summoned hatred is defence
No insult is a friend
It re-opens old wounds

Those I have not recovered from. Just buried.

Embedded within your character
Ignorance and presumption
Sensitivity and correctness
In mine

I’d rather we stay as worlds apart
Where you won’t matter

Not that you do now.

Thank you. I owe it all to you and may you have all the glory. Isabella Eleanor Nubari is nothing without her God. I cannot be awesome if I weren’t a Christian. But I AM awesome ;)